As someone who wants to be a marriage counselor, I have been doing some research. I have dragged my husband to see different marriage counselors, to some marriage retreats, and to several marriage seminars. Each one preaches effective communication and as part of that, active listening.
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Active listening is when one member of a partnership says something, and then their companion repeats it, either word for word, or in their own words. For example, if you were to practice active listening with me and this blog post, you would either repeat back "So your saying, Active listening is when someone says something and their partner repeats it back", or "From what I understand, active listening is repeating back what your partner says when they are finished to check understanding". Whatever feels more natural is recommended, although to start out it is often easier to just repeat back as best as you can.
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This skill can be very helpful if you and your spouse have a hard time listening to each other or communicating effectively. Dr. Goddard however points out that a potato salad that has been left out in the heat for a week cannot be fixed by spreading a fresh layer of egg slices on top. It will still be rotten underneath. He says, "A soul is like potato salad. When our souls are permeated with accusation and demands, there is no skill that can cover our malice and meanness" (Goddard, p. 132). He quotes a friend who says, "Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present" (Goddard, p. 133).
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I have examples of this from my own marriage. There have been times that I have been so angry at my (dear sweet) husband that I could just scream, or kick a door in. In those times, I find that if I just humbled myself and get down on my knees (especially when they refuse to bend) that the Lord can heal my heart and help me to heal the hurt that I think is directed at me, but in reality is often being aimed right at the accused.
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Dr. Gottman says, "It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who's always harping on your flaws. But both changes are necessary to end the cycle." This take more humility and a dose of charity as well. If we can be charitable to our spouses we are allowing the Lord to be a partner in our marriage.
C.S Lewis said this on the topic of charity, "When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard." It's easy to be a victim. It's easy to harbor resentment towards those that hurt us. It's heroic, it's brave, it's Christlike to forgive in humility, to repent of our part, and to respond in charitable ways.
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Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.
Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.
Lewis, C.S. (1960). "Mere Christianity". New York: Macmillan, 164-165.
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