Consecration in Commitment

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I have talked about "covenant marriage" many times, but today I learned about "consecration in commitment". It's very similar, in that a couple who share in giving 50/50 will not do as well as one whose individuals each give 100%. Dr. Goddard however takes this even a step further and states:

"There is nothing in God's work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner."

Wow. Can you imagine if you thought that about your spouse and he/she thought that about you? That would be the marriage of all marriages. Goddard himself is not perfect though. For example, he's a bit OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He loves clean counters and is very precise in how he squeezes his toothpaste, no thumb dents in the middle of the tube for him, but his wife, she's like me! She's a thumb denter! This makes Goddard's eye twitch. He describes it as this, "When Nancy grabs the tube in the middle and thoughtlessly squeezes, a shudder runs through my soul. She seems like a good person . . . how could she act in such a reckless way?" This does not end in screaming matches though, he just bought a clip for the end of his paste so that "none of the toothpaste can retreat and hide" (Goddard, p. 104). As for me and my spouse, we have our own tubes!

Dr. Goddard and Dr. Gottman share some common ground when they talk about making requests. They both recommend a "soft start up" (Gottman's words). For example, a mom who is exhausted at the end of the day could have a harsh start up and say, "I am so sick of putting these kids to bed! You never do it! Why don't you get your lazy butt up and put them to bed for once in our marriage!?" To which the husband would probably reply with defense and contempt of his own. Instead she could use this approach, "I'm so tired tonight. I would love your help putting the kids to bed. Is that something you could help me with?" or "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by putting the kids to bed tonight you can do it tonight?" I like to imagine I'm starting up as softly as this cute kitty would.

animal-jams-clans.wiki1.com

 Dr. Gottman says this, "I can't emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up... If you're angry with your spouse, it's worth taking a deep breath and thinking through how to broach the subject" (Gottman, p. 167).

So here's my issue: I'm a volcanoer. What's that? Well, I hate confrontation, so instead of taking my issues to my husband in a tenderly upfront kind of way with a soft start up, I push that issue down inside my volcano and leave it be. For about 10 years of my marriage I thought I was doing us both a favor but during my "Communications" class I learned that I was doing the opposite. We had to complete and activity where we would bring up an issue with our spouse that hadn't been resolved, follow the steps of good communication, and solve it. Well, I pulled out a piece of burning lava and we started to talk about it. Well, when you pull up a bit of lava the rest wants to follow and this resulted in a volcanic eruption of every little thing that had gone wrong in my entire life. My poor husband was covered in volcanic ash, magma, lava, and the horror of it all.

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It's been a long road but we are working on not building volcanoes anymore. I try to bring things up as soon as they happen, but I really need to work on the soft start up. Thanks to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" I am starting to get those tools.

Benson, E. T. (1989). "Beware of Pride". Ensign, May 1989, 4.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.