Gospel Based Parenting

Cardston Temple, May 2017

The proclamation gives a fantastic and substantial list of principles and way parents should seek to establish a happy and successful family. It suggests that significant teaching is necessary to bring about the positive outcomes that each parent desires for their children. The gospel helps us to find the behaviors we want to teach and shares how to teach them.

While kids can and will be very influenced by their peers, they can be even more influenced by their parents. An example of this is that when parents teach their kids to avoid drugs they are less likely to use drugs, even when their best friends abuse drugs! The text book, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives” teaches that better parenting by mothers alone leads to a reduction in deviant behavior in their sons. This boost actually leads to better relationships between mom and son.

The book “Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate is recommended reading for parents who want a to have a better relationship with their kids than their children's peers have with them.

As parents we should heed Brigham Young's counsel to "study our children's dispositions and temperament, and deal with them accordingly" (Hawkins, et al). We have the opportunity to help our kids develop the positive traits we desire for them and to help them overcome undesirable tendencies. In doing this we can teach our children to fly.

Flying Lessons 2017

When we are close to each of our children the Lord will bless us with "a spiritual early warning system" (Hawkins et al) which helps us as parents sense problems that may be emerging. When this happens, we need to prayerfully ask for help and use deliberate intervention methods.

In Richard B. Miller’s address to at the BYU Conference on Family Life he states, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children… Parents should not be harsh, domineering or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership” (Miller, 2008).

Spencer W. Kimball said, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children… Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. IF you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him” (Kimball).

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Latter Day prophets have counseled against the use of physical punishment with children. It is suggested that "infrequent, non abusive spanking, in the context of an otherwise warm and responsive relationship, may not cause lasting harm, but it is not likely to be a teaching moment" (Hawkins, et al). I have spanked my children in the past and have found this to be true. It really doesn't seem to be effective in anything except straining the relationship of myself and my child. I went to a class on parenting boys that advised that they need to be spanked to learn. The teacher suggested that girls learn differently and don't need spankings, but boys need that pain to remember lessons. Well, they remember that mom spanked them, but the bad behavior seems to be repeated. With my boys I find that explaining why it's not an appropriate behavior and coming up with different ways to deal with it are better at deterring the bad behavior in the future.

About a year ago we took our kids to an indoor children's festival where Rosena fell in love with a Thomas the Train bouncy house. We decided to move on to the next section and failed to notice when Rosena left our little group to return to her beloved Thomas. In a moment of panic we put the big kids in charge of the little kids and I went to contact security. Bill went back to retrace our steps and returned shortly with Rosena in his arms. This was a fantastic teaching moment on why it's important to follow guidance from your parents in order to be safe. There were not spankings or harsh words spoken. We all embraced her and told her that we loved her. She has not disappeared like that since.

This was before she went missing.

If we counsel with our spouses and our children regularly and invite the Holy Spirit into our homes we will see success in our parenting efforts and in our family relationships.

Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., and Draper, T. W. “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives.

Kimball, S. W. TSWK pp. 340, 341.

Miller, R. B. (2008). “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. BYU. Provo, UT.

A few years back, a friend confided in me that she was falling out of love with her husband. He wasn't the same man anymore. He didn't tell her everything/anything. He was a good man and he was a great father but she just didn't love him the same way. She told me about how she knew she couldn't leave him because she covenanted with God that she would marry him and stay with him. She couldn't break her covenants. She felt lost and alone. She didn't know what to do.

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Fast forward to 6 months later. She had been praying and fasting. She asked the Lord what she should do. One day a friend came to her door and told her she had bought her a flight to go spend time with her husband (who was going to school far away, somewhere warm). Her words: "The day of my flight arrived. I headed out the door for my 2.5 hour drive to the airport, excited and anxious. I listened to some podcasts on marriage as I drove. Then I prayed. “Heavenly Father? I’m exhausted. I’m working on being willing to stay in this marriage, but I am so tired. Help me get both feet in this. I need a miracle this weekend. Please help me. I can’t do this on my own…” Later she found him in the airport, "and then we embraced. I use the word embrace because that hug was no ordinary hug. We had been less than affectionate to each other for quite some time. There was love in that embrace. “That was strange.” Was the first thing he said. The rest of our weekend together was simply incredible. It was healing. We were submerged in forgiveness and found understanding for each other.
AND!!!!!…
It hasn’t worn off. Hurray! Our love for each other was rekindled and we are keeping the flame alive. Neither of us are naïve to the fact that we have a life long of challenges ahead of us. But, I have learned and experienced that forgiveness can be found and love can be rekindled and burn deeper than one could ever imagine." (Shared from my friend's blog with permission.)

Fast forward to 2 years later. They have a new baby, they're still in love. She has had a complete change of heart. She now sees him as God does and they couldn't be happier. It was only through the grace of God and her willingness to submit to it that she was able to overcome her thoughts, overcome her weaknesses, and learn to love him with all her heart again.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.” The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." (Kimball, 1972).

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Whatever relationships we choose to foster will flourish. Whomever we spend time with will benefit and grow from our presence. It is important to choose our eternal companion over others. My friend did. It took her some time, but some would say now that they have one of the best relationships they have ever seen.

Dr. Goddard tells us that we shouldn't even allow these thoughts any time in our heads. He says, "Do not entertain mental fantasies of romance or passion" (Goddard, p. 94). Matthew 5:28 tells us the same thing:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

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Dr. Goddard gives 10 tips to stay out of trouble:

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate.
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
3. Do  not be flirty with anyone but your spouse.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help.
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.
7. Renew your spiritual efforts.
8. Don't set yourself up for failure.
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. (Goddard, p. 94-95).

If we put up a fight for our marriages, and really nurture and protect them we will be blessed throughout eternity where we will find that our spouses are truly more noble and godly then we ever thought they could be.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.

See Hannah's story here: http://twinnerpated.com/rekindled/ 

As someone who wants to be a marriage counselor, I have been doing some research. I have dragged my husband to see different marriage counselors, to some marriage retreats, and to several marriage seminars. Each one preaches effective communication and as part of that, active listening.

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Active listening is when one member of a partnership says something, and then their companion repeats it, either word for word, or in their own words. For example, if you were to practice active listening with me and this blog post, you would either repeat back "So your saying, Active listening is when someone says something and their partner repeats it back", or "From what I understand, active listening is repeating back what your partner says when they are finished to check understanding". Whatever feels more natural is recommended, although to start out it is often easier to just repeat back as best as you can. 

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This skill can be very helpful if you and your spouse have a hard time listening to each other or communicating effectively. Dr. Goddard however points out that a potato salad that has been left out in the heat for a week cannot be fixed by spreading a fresh layer of egg slices on top. It will still be rotten underneath. He says, "A soul is like potato salad. When our souls are permeated with accusation and demands, there is no skill that can cover our malice and meanness" (Goddard, p. 132). He quotes a friend who says, "Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present" (Goddard, p. 133).

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I have examples of this from my own marriage. There have been times that I have been so angry at my (dear sweet) husband that I could just scream, or kick a door in. In those times, I find that if I just humbled myself and get down on my knees (especially when they refuse to bend) that the Lord can heal my heart and help me to heal the hurt that I think is directed at me, but in reality is often being aimed right at the accused.

Seriously, who could be mad at this face?

Dr. Gottman says, "It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who's always harping on your flaws. But both changes are necessary to end the cycle." This take more humility and a dose of charity as well. If we can be charitable to our spouses we are allowing the Lord to be a partner in our marriage.

C.S Lewis said this on the topic of charity, "When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard." It's easy to be a victim. It's easy to harbor resentment towards those that hurt us. It's heroic, it's brave, it's Christlike to forgive in humility, to repent of our part, and to respond in charitable ways.

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Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Lewis, C.S. (1960). "Mere Christianity". New York: Macmillan, 164-165.

Consecration in Commitment

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I have talked about "covenant marriage" many times, but today I learned about "consecration in commitment". It's very similar, in that a couple who share in giving 50/50 will not do as well as one whose individuals each give 100%. Dr. Goddard however takes this even a step further and states:

"There is nothing in God's work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner."

Wow. Can you imagine if you thought that about your spouse and he/she thought that about you? That would be the marriage of all marriages. Goddard himself is not perfect though. For example, he's a bit OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He loves clean counters and is very precise in how he squeezes his toothpaste, no thumb dents in the middle of the tube for him, but his wife, she's like me! She's a thumb denter! This makes Goddard's eye twitch. He describes it as this, "When Nancy grabs the tube in the middle and thoughtlessly squeezes, a shudder runs through my soul. She seems like a good person . . . how could she act in such a reckless way?" This does not end in screaming matches though, he just bought a clip for the end of his paste so that "none of the toothpaste can retreat and hide" (Goddard, p. 104). As for me and my spouse, we have our own tubes!

Dr. Goddard and Dr. Gottman share some common ground when they talk about making requests. They both recommend a "soft start up" (Gottman's words). For example, a mom who is exhausted at the end of the day could have a harsh start up and say, "I am so sick of putting these kids to bed! You never do it! Why don't you get your lazy butt up and put them to bed for once in our marriage!?" To which the husband would probably reply with defense and contempt of his own. Instead she could use this approach, "I'm so tired tonight. I would love your help putting the kids to bed. Is that something you could help me with?" or "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by putting the kids to bed tonight you can do it tonight?" I like to imagine I'm starting up as softly as this cute kitty would.

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 Dr. Gottman says this, "I can't emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up... If you're angry with your spouse, it's worth taking a deep breath and thinking through how to broach the subject" (Gottman, p. 167).

So here's my issue: I'm a volcanoer. What's that? Well, I hate confrontation, so instead of taking my issues to my husband in a tenderly upfront kind of way with a soft start up, I push that issue down inside my volcano and leave it be. For about 10 years of my marriage I thought I was doing us both a favor but during my "Communications" class I learned that I was doing the opposite. We had to complete and activity where we would bring up an issue with our spouse that hadn't been resolved, follow the steps of good communication, and solve it. Well, I pulled out a piece of burning lava and we started to talk about it. Well, when you pull up a bit of lava the rest wants to follow and this resulted in a volcanic eruption of every little thing that had gone wrong in my entire life. My poor husband was covered in volcanic ash, magma, lava, and the horror of it all.

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It's been a long road but we are working on not building volcanoes anymore. I try to bring things up as soon as they happen, but I really need to work on the soft start up. Thanks to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" I am starting to get those tools.

Benson, E. T. (1989). "Beware of Pride". Ensign, May 1989, 4.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.