Pride in Marriage

Did you know that according to scientific research and countless hours of studies John Gottman has found that "when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct"?(Gottman, p. 116).

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That is extremely high, don't you think?

I think this can go the other way too, us women can be a little prideful too. Here's an example, you say something stupid, the Hubby calls you on it, you puff up your chest and walk away. OR, your hubby says something stupid, you call him on it, and when he apologizes you "harumph!" and walk away.

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Now, this doesn't mean that we should keep everything to ourselves either because as Gottman points out, "trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse's presence wouldn't be good for your marriage or your blood pressure" (Gottman, p. 120).

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There are ways to express feelings in humble ways. Humbly expressing truth in a tenderly upfront kind of way is best, although at times difficult... there's that pride creeping in again!

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Dr. Goddard points out that if we want to have more spiritual power and eliminate pride it must be done in the spirit of total humility. He gave examples of Alma who did a complete turnaround, but only because he "cried within [his] heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death" (Alma 36:18). Other scriptural examples of men who were changed by repentance include the Publican in Luke 18:13 who said, "God be merciful to me, a sinner", King Benjamin's people in Mosiah 4:2 who cried out, "O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ", and the Brother of Jared in Ether 3:3 who pleaded, "Thou has been merciful unto us. O Lord, look upon me in pity (Goddard, p. 78).

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The Lord offers a chance for us to forsake our sins and our pride through His Infinite Atonement. President Ezra Taft Benson reminds us that "Pride is the universal sin, the great vice... Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them" (Benson, 1989).

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I pray that we can overcome pride in our own marriages by seeking to harness the strength that the Lord offers us. It takes humility to become strong. It takes a broken heart to heal the pain caused by pride.

Benson, E. T. (1989). "Beware of Pride". Ensign, May 1989, 4.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Turn Towards that Bid

 He grumbled something as I hurriedly handed off the diaper for our toddler, and then there was more grumbling under his breath. We were both in the middle of something, he was feeding the kids, I was trying to get an assignment for school in on time. As the comment came out of his mouth my first thought was to fight back, but then I remembered this statement I had read only moments before, "Before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner's harsh words. Then focus on the bid, not the delivery." John Gottman goes on to say, "If you find it difficult not to react defensively, first take five really deep breaths, counting slowly from one to six as you inhale and then slowly from seven to fifteen as you exhale. Then say to your partner, 'I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know.'" (Gottman, p. 92). So I did. I only needed on deep breath to calm down. When I tried to repeat the sentence I tripped up and started laughing at myself, then I grabbed the diaper and changed the bum. No harm done. Good mood returned.

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Most of our conversations don't go like this, Bill rarely grumbles, but this time I'm happy it happened in a moment of stress because it allowed me to practice new skills. This week I've actually been more in love with him than ever. I've been secretly trying something new. It's called "turning towards". I try to recognize bids for attention and fill those bids with love and service. John Gottman says, "In marriage, couples are always making what I call "bids" for each other's attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill" (Gottman, 2015). Here's the amazing thing. I thought that I was already awesome at this. I genuinely want my husband to be happy. I actually thought I was better at this than anyone in the family. My secret experiment has proven me wrong!

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It turns out that my husband is WAY better at this than me! He has been holding my hand all week, physically and emotionally. We went to a movie, and I let him pick as a way to "turn toward" his wants and needs. But, on the way there he read my (super boring) text book to me, helped me figure out the hard to understand parts, and bought me clothes! What husband likes to sit around while his wife tries on shirt after shirt!? Today my husband asked if I was interested in seeing the budget he was working on, of course I was. Later he returned the favor by helping me plan out my next semester and my future career goals! Tonight I turned towards him by putting my text book down to help him make dinner, but he was the one who picked the meal and instigated dinner. My love tank has never been more full, and I'm the one trying to fill his tank!

These principles really work! I am more in love with my husband today than I was yesterday. The love just grows and grows. President Howard W. Hunger is quoted in Dr. Goddard's book, he says, "Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." I believe that turning towards our spouses is a way of fostering the love that Jesus is trying to push into our marriages. If you want to learn more pick up Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon!

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Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Dream-Like Marriage

Is your marriage a dream…

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Or a nightmare?

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Often times we shape what our marriage will be through how we view past events. Sometimes we get bogged down by negative sentiment over-ride. All of our memories become negative and heavy. It’s hard to see the light when the dark is so overpowering.

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If this is happening in your marriage I challenge you to do this:

1. Write down why you fell in love with your spouse. Make it detailed. Not “because he was funny”, but tell the story of how he initiated a bubble gum blowing contest with his niece and nephew and you in the car to keep them from boredom on a long car trip, or whatever your story may be.
2. Write down at least five positive things about your spouse. Everything good he/she does right now.
3. Pray for your spouse, not that they will change, but that they will be blessed and that you will see them as God sees them.
4. Share these good memories and things with your spouse.

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Fighting negative sentiment over-ride will take a lot of positivity and you have to start somewhere. Why not here? Dr. Gottman says, “The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and a grateful for… Catch your partner doing some little thing right and then offer a genuine appreciation like “I love the way you _________”.” (Gottman, 2015).

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We can learn a lot from Adam and Eve on this topic. According to Dr. Goddard, "Adam and Eve had every reason to be gloomy about life in this world. They had lived in serene and peaceful abundance. Then they were evicted and sent to the slums. [But this] was a step toward eternal accomplishment... Through our labors and struggles, we will... know good from evil... We can learn to choose and cherish the good" (Goddard, 2009).

Bill and I had the opportunity this week to talk about our own first memories. The beginning of our marriage, our first year of marriage, our dating and courting period (which as you may recall was only 2 months long, first date to wedding date). It was lovely to reminisce together about times past and hear each others different perspectives. Hopefully you too will take the time to bring a bit of Heaven into your marriage.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Godly Individuals can Create Godly Marriages

Dr. H. Wallas Goddard, in his book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” tells us that While most people assume that all marriages have discontent and must be processed and dealt with in non-destructive ways for the relationship to work, he believes “that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person – to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ.” He continues, “When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways” (Goddard, 2009).

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To me this means bringing God into your marriage. Striving to be more godly we should have charity towards our partners. Instead of being accusative and frustrated we can choose to reconcile our differences with kindness. Instead of saying “Why would you do that! What’s wrong with you!” We can say “That is a different choice that I would make in that situation. Can you tell me your thought process in making that decision?” Of course, this needs to be said humbly with real interest because any comment can be perceived as criticism if it is given with bad body language and the wrong tones of voice.

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Another thing Dr. Goddard points out is that there is a “quirk” in human thinking. This quirk is that we interpret the behavior of others based on their character or what we know of them. We fail to think about the circumstances of the choice. Yet, when we interpret our own behavior, we allow for the circumstances and our own thought processes to justify our behaviors. That is why it is important to seek to understand before we judge or give criticism.

To do this, Goddard suggests switching our mindset from questions like:

• Why are you doing this to me?
• What’s wrong with you?
• Why can’t you get why this is important to me?

To questions like:

• How can I understand why this is important to my partner?
• What is my partner really trying to tell me?
• How can I understand her/his pain?
• Can God help me think past my own self so that I can better understand my spouse?
• How does God see my partner?

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John Gottman says, "The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you've observed and are grateful for" (Gottman, 2015).

God has the power to do anything He wants and we can ask for his assistance in making our own lives and marriages better.

Goddard, H. (2009). “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships”. Joymap Publishing. 3933 W. 9850 N Ceder Hills, Utah, USA.

Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (1995, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Covenant Marriage

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 President Joseph Fielding Smith prayed that we might have the spirit of love and peace in our homes, and he prayed that fathers and sons would work together in love and in the priesthood (Smith, 1970).

The spirit of love and peace can be in our homes, our homes can be like the holy temples that are placed into our lives, if we seek the Lord’s guidance and strive to follow our temple covenants.  To find this love and peace we must be willing to have covenant marriages, in which each spouse gives 100%, unlike contractual marriages where each spouse is expected to give 50% (Hafen, 1996).

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Elder Bruce C. Hafen talks about “wolves” that attempt to attack our marriage. He names three: natural adversity, an individual’s own imperfections, and excessive individualism.

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Natural adversity comes from life, it includes things like not being able to have children, miscarriage, loss of jobs, loss of health, being poor, and more. The imperfections each of us have can allow us to beat ourselves up if we are not perfect, they can also cause us to beat up our spouses (mentally) for their imperfections. Finally, excessive individualism is a tool that Satan is using today to make people feel like they don’t need anyone else and that they don’t need to please anyone except for themselves. These are things we must fight against. We can lean on our own spouses, church leaders, the words of the prophets, scripture, and the Lord Himself for help in beating these wolves.

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If we can successfully over come the adversities of marriage and keep our temple covenants we will be given the chance to enter the Celestial Kingdom. A place where we can prepare for this is in the temples mentioned earlier. President Ezra Taft Benson shares some amazing things we can gain from attending the temple regularly, the following are his words:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.
• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him.
• Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)
• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)

Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple” (Benson, 1986).

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I pray that I will find the time in my life to experience these blessings, and I hope that you will too.

References:

Benson, E. (1986). What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children About The Temple. Liahona, April, 1986.

Hafen, B. (1996). Covenant Marriage. Ensign, Nov 1996, p. 26.

Smith, J. (June, 1970). The Fulness of the Priesthood. Improvement Era, p. 65-66, or Conference Report, April 1970, pp. 58-60.